The Cairo Complex

Specimens Encountered on the DC Metro: Taxonomic Classifications, Defining Characteristics and Destinations

1. Public Pervertus – Shamelessly reading adult publications while wedged between the elderly and the infirm. Severely balding or with heavily-gelled widow’s peak hairstyle. Particularly guarding of crumpled paper bag with unidentified “greasy stains.” – West Hyattsville
2. Olfacto Upturnee – Carrying a crisp copy of a book by “one of several influential, neo-Victorian, minimalist, modern-revivalist alt” authors. Sneaking peeks at seat neighbor’s copy of Cosmo’s 37 Rump-Shaking Bedroom Tips. Ironically paired peasant skirt and Gucci bag. – Foggy Bottom GWU
3. Macron Odorasic – Wearing awkwardly fitting Gold’s Gym tee-shirt (branding circa 1974). Occupying multiple seats. Salivating over unopened protein shake (metro regulation). Carrying Nike bag stuffed with 56L dress uniform. Sweat-soaked armpits and collar. – Navy Yard
4. Noctur Depriviaton – Walking with zombie-like gait to nearest window seat. Darkly-colored and prominent eye bags. Asleep within seconds of sitting down. Dreaming of shorter commute times and 495 widening initiatives. Carrying gum in shirt pocket to deal with inevitable “morning” breath. – Shady Grove (from Branch Ave)
5. Absurdum Conspicuous – Loudly recounting plot from “last night’s” primetime hit show to neighbors feigning interest. Wearing tee-shirt that reads “Moped Rider” under over-sized dress shirt and loosened Snoopy tie. Planning happy hour via text messages at 7 AM. – Woodly Park-Zoo/Adams Morgan
6. Infinitum Dialogur – Endlessly interested in the questioning of others, specifically, in regards to their ethnic, religious and educational backgrounds. Constantly administering life advice from position as professor at “school of hard knockin’”. Determined to learn Spanish from the multitude of native speakers on the Orange line in exchange for teaching such helpful English phrases as: “Where is the bathroom at?”, and “Please, thank ya”. Seemingly has no destination.    

SPAM does have a purpose. Mainly, it’s to suddenly flood your “comments waiting in moderation” mailbox and remind you that you do, in fact, have some semblance of an online persona that demands occasional tending. Gah! Once again with the stupid online personas.

Strange… I remember when blogging was perhaps a welcome reprieve from the humdrum of young-adult daily living but between my new job and waning interest in being social all together, I find it’s more of a hassle than anything else: “What?! I’ve got to blog now?! Can’t I do it tomorrow?”

To be honest, I’d much rather spend my time looking up old flings on MySpace and laughing at their misfortune having given up on me as a romantic option. Of course, this activity only requires a few seconds to exhaust, and then I’m free to do more important things like sort my queue on Netflix. It’s kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy of lamenting failed dating endeavors and ensuring through pointless web surfing that I don’t embark on any new ones. Who said perpetual systems weren’t possible?

Anyway, this post is just to assuage some people’s worries. If I haven’t talked to you in a while, it’s not because I don’t like you, it’s because — no wait, it is because I don’t like you. Nevermind.

That’s all for now. I’ll blog more later… Meh, maybe tomorrow.