The Cairo Complex

My mind’s just been racing, lately. Too many thoughts and strong feelings. Too many mixed emotions and complex issues to deal with… C’est la vie… 

At least I can take solace in the fact that I have my zombie emergency plan pretty much on lock down!

I just got this shipped yesterday (so let me know if you want to come over for some practice), and I have to say I’ve never been more intrigued by a branch of nerdome I’ve never even been a part of. Video games just haven’t really ever been my thing, but when my Mom decided getting a master’s degree deserved a reward (specifically, one that I would probably never think of on my own/for myself), I figured I would play along.

Let’s just say that things have come along a bit since Tetris. And though I still maintain that arranging blocks into straight lines is my favorite pastime, I can’t help but be impressed by high-def graphics, realistic character AI and sandbox environments. I mean… I suppose I was a computer science major and that it is about time I got in touch with my roots. So maybe this video game thing is something I’ll try out for a bit.

Anyway, thanks to my new “toy” I now know exactly the course of action necessary for survival should the world become overrun with zombies, whether they be of the traditional Haitian variety or some Romero-inspired, virus-infected, gamma-irradiated type. Anyone who wants to make it out of this, what I feel is imminent, situation with a high score better stick with me

We can do it if we stick together! We must make our stand and keep humanity alive! Multi-player Co-Op mode now available! 

For every time I’ve felt spurned by various creative Internet communities, I could easily afford the costs of maintaining the last safe haven for my occasional brushes with humor and witty criticism: my own website.

McSweeney’s turned down my list of alternative names for love handles for posting on their often hilarious and unfortunately narrowly-renowned website. Woe is me. In doing so, they join the long list of websites where I thought I might have a chance at nabbing my 15 MB of fame, but shortly thereafter found myself taking the back button exit.

Bah! I’ll just post my own lists here. How do you like that McSweeney’s?!?! I don’t need your brand of indie-cred! With your under-appreciated, tightly-knit community of off beat creativity!

… Please post me :( You’re totally my obsession of the moment, and I won’t feel fulfilled until I get posted and/or a few days go by.

So… Until I am deemed worthy, here are some lists that may only ever find a home on the one website where I have pure control over the content.

THINGS FOR WHICH MYSPACE IS A PLACE FOR OTHER THAN FRIENDS

1. Up-and-coming amateur porn stars.
2. Shady companies that sell Cialis at a discounted rate.
3. Old men who want to meet 14-year old girls.
4. People who identify strongly with their cosmetically modified cars.
5. Teenagers who believe red text on a black background is the best way to express angst.
6. Glitter-graphic aficionados and others who seek to make the Internet an un-navigable mess of motion and color.
7. Bands that will never be successful.
8. Old men who want to be 14-year old girls.
9. DoODz dAt t4lK LiK3 d1s. 
10. Pedophiles.
11. Desperate JDate members.

POPULAR FILM TITLES SLIGHTLY MODIFIED TO BE PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIES, POSSIBLE TAG LINES AND THEIR GENRES

1. A Few Hairy Men – When banging the gavel isn’t enough. (Bear, Courtroom Drama)
2. Done in 60 Seconds – The fastest hot rod in town. (Humiliation, Autobiographical)
3. Harry Cooter and the Sorcerer’s Bone – More wands than you can shake a dick at. (Adult Fantasy)
4. Shaving Ryan’s Privates – Invading the Axis! (Fetish, WWII)
5. The Glob – It’s clogged the pipes for too long, and now it wants out! (Horror, Bukkake)
6. Glory-Hole – It will have your south rising. (Gonzo)
7. Star Whores V: The Whores Strike Back – Attacking the Death Star never felt so good. (S&M, SciFi)
8. Babes with Toys in Hand – No bogeymen allowed. (Lesbian, Comedy)

North Jersey Media Group reported that Ruff Ryders Records excustive, Darrin Dean, was arrested for involvement with a cocaine bust recently, after being pulled over for a broken tail light. A tough break for most, the events that transpired on the California Parkway provide a interesting opportunity for the rap mogul, who can easily parlay rap-sheets to rap-gold.

So here’s the deal, Mr. Dean, I’ve been wanting into this hip hop game since way back. Like, earlier this morning. So let’s do business. I’ve got an idea that could make us both rich and turn your cocaine arrests and legal troubles into BillBoard requests and unburst investment bubbles!

The debut single would of course have to be The Judge Cometh (in your eye). But I really see this album being about more than just sexual innuendo and violence. It should be a reflection of the struggle of urban youth to rise up out of abject poverty to become rich and famous and eventually get implicated in drug trafficking and while driving recklessly. Other tracks include:

The Summoning, Sexual Congress (Your Legislative Body), I Object (All Up on Your Primae Facie), I Plead for No One, Charges Paid at Bail Shall Hereto Negate Further Compensatory Damages Paid to the State with Exclusion of Legal Processing Fees and Standard Court Costs, My Legal Briefs Stay Swoll, Gotta Actus Right (the reus effect), and Sub Judizzz Nuts.